God loves guns.

So I was reading the paper last night. And by reading the paper I mean looking at the entertainment section to see what time Academy Award nominated movies are playing so I can have some knowledge in my Oscar picks before Sunday. Right there next to "The Aviator" playing at 8:25 is an ad for a Bible study...in a hotel! Apparently the church had something else going on that...Thursday? We all know what a busy day Thursdays can be. WHAT?!! Oh and in case you didn't know how they were going to teach the Bible study, they tell you: Thru the Bible. Unless that's an abbreviation for Thursday, which doesn't make any sense either (Thurs.). The best part about the Bible study, though, (other than the hotel conference room and the fact that the chapel's called "The Calvary") is that directly under the ad was another ad for a Gun Show in Barron, WI. Which can mean only one thing: God loves Guns! That's why His/Her/Its name starts with a G.

At the gun show you can "BUY-SELL-SWAP" guns, ammo, knives, and equipment for hunting and reloading! They want "stories." They want "pictures." They want...your kids!?? Oh yeah, it's at the Take-a-Kid Hunting Journal Booth at the Community Center. I guess Jesus really does love the little children (so much he wants them to kill each other...Yea)! The best part about this ad is that they state right at the top that the Barron Community Center, where the show is taking place, is "ACROSS FROM THE HOSPITAL." How convenient. Have fun Buying-Selling-Swapping your lives.

Okay, I know it sounds like I'm complaining about hunting again, but I'm really not. When it comes right down to this blog, I'm simply pointing out the humorous placement of a Bible study ad directly above a Gun Show ad in my free New Richmond The Scotsman paper. The juxtaposition is humorous to me and I wanted to share it with all of you. In closing, I just want remind you that Jesus loves you...but only if you kill something.

Kool-lite?

In my attempt to be a healthier person and live longer on this planet to give my procrastinating self more time to do things I really want to do, I've discovered things that simply don't taste good...or as good. Like when I make my delicious cheesey egg sandwiches...without bacon. Or when I eat more chicken now instead of beef and steak...in the same day. But the most recent discovery of untastefullness ( I love making up words. Take that spell check!) would have to be my attempt at making light Kool-Aid. I figured since most of the "light" foods out there have "1/2 the carbs," or "1/2 the fat" I thought I could make one of those single Kool-Aid packets with "1/2 the sugar." You can't get rid of all the sugar. That would be nasty. Well guess what, so is 1/2 the sugar. It really does ask for a full cup of sugar for a reason. The reason being I don't like drinking bitter, colored water. Besides, I don't really know how cutting back on something as fundamental in a child's life as Kool-Aid will really extend my own life. Oh yeah, and sugarless anything just blows.

Here's to sweets!

Happy Anti-Valentine's Day

So, in my attempt to exit the demeaning, lack of skill job that is Blockbuster, I spent most of my day today at the computer in hopes of entering the real world of careers almost two years after earning an actual college degree. It's a lot of work without immediate results. I decided to take a break and check my e-mail. This break was much too short. Not really feeling like continuing my search for something better today I decided to reminisce by looking at old forwards I either wrote or received in college that I felt were worthy of saving.

In my reminiscence, I stumbled across a forward written by myself and my roommate at the time and very good friend Ryan Clover. We also had a little help from Whoopi Goldberg. It was a top 10 list that we wrote about why Valentine's Day might suck for some people (single people to be exact). And although I wasn't single at the time, I certainly had (and have) my own personal quips about the Hallmark holiday that is Valentine's Day. The other thing about Anti-Valentine's Day is that it comes right after Valentine's Day for those who want to vent about actual Valentine's Day. We aired our top 10 list on our college radio show which just so happened to be a Tuesday the 15th--just like today. And since it is Ryan's birthday today (Happy Birthday, buddy) I thought it would be appropriate to share this hopefully humorous blog to V-haters everywhere. So, without further ado here is the Anti-Valentine's Day top 10 reason's why Valentine's Day sucks major ass:

10) Instead of receiving valentines in the mail, you get a restraining order from the one you love, and you can't see them for at least 12 months in order to thank them!

9) If You rearrange the letters in Saint Valentine's Day you get the phrase: "An evil Satan destiny!" and no good could ever come from that.

8) Not only are roses $70 a dozen, but the hooker you want to give them to expects more money as well!

7) It's the only other day of the year besides Christmas when you can't look up porn on the internet without feeling guilty.

6) Some people get so lonely and depressed they don't mind when their dog starts humping their leg.

5) For some reason you always get the little candy hearts that say "Bite me!" or "You suck!" on them.

4) You can't buy your partner eatable panties because they give you gas.

3) It doesn't matter if you "get some" because you had to buy flowers and candy first. Any other day you'd get it for free.

2) All the love in the air is bad for the o-zone!

1) It's a day like any other except you end up broke, and Hallmark ends up earning even more money so they can continue making those cheesy little commercials and made for T.V. movies we all love so very much!

So remember, just because Hallmark and corporate America say February 14th is a day to be spent honoring your significant other doesn't mean you can't just sit back and love yourself. You don't even have to buy yourself flowers, but chocolate certainly can't hurt. And if you do have a significant other than you should treat everyday like Valentine's Day and express how much you care for them, not just on February 14th.

Happy Anti-Valentine's Day!

The word of the day is Ho-Chunk

Ho-Chunk. How do you suppose you go about defining such a word? According to the University of Wisconsin Eau Claire, this is a Native American word that means...something. I was really too busy eating all weekend to look it up, but I'm pretty sure it's a Native American word. For Jean and I (and our ever growing appetites) we decided it was the perfect description of us. Since we are a couple of chunky ho's. How to use Ho-Chunk in a sentance: Sunday morning I tried to talk to Jessica and have her join us in the fabulous judges lounge, but she was being a ginormous Ho-Chunk and just grimaced at me before going back to her mini lap top--mp3 player in ear--pretending to do homework but really chatting on IM.

Here's to Ho-Chunks...like Jean and Jessica.

Save the Donuts!!

First off, let me just say, "I love donuts!" Love them! I love donuts so much that I treated 12 of them that I had purchased ealier this morning like they were my own children (delicious creme filled children you can eat and not get arrested for, of course) but children just the same. As I was driving to work this morning, in no particular hurry, I found myself suddenly stopping at a stop sign that had appeared much sooner than anticipated. Obviously I had my box of donuts in the front seat with me so I could watch them, protect them, and smell them the whole ride. As I came to this sudden stop I instinctively reached out my right arm to hold the box of donuts back so they would not come crashing to the floor and forever leave their sweet baked scent in my car as a constant reminder of a loss too horrible to imagine. I love donuts so much I even said...aloud...to myself, "Save the donuts!" And I did...until about 20 minutes later when I ate them.

I Do Hate My Job, but Boy Do I Love My Co-workers

Given the fact that, yes, I did eat several donuts at work today I think it's safe to say that I was in a pretty good mood...even at work. It was a Thursday. It was slow. There were two of us there and nothing to do. Then, out of no where, two delivery guys come in and ask where I want 7 boxes placed? I showed them, and about 5 trips later I had 4 ginormous boxes full of charcoal grey metal cabinets on the floor with 3 smaller boxes full of parts. By ginormous I mean up to my waist, wider and heavier than myself full of not only charcoal grey metal cabinets, but sheet after sheet after sheet of styrophome. I looked at these boxes and the lack of customers we had received all day and came to the only conclusion one could have when such circumstances arise. I decided to build a fort! And not just any fort. The fort. An over 6 foot high, two plastic window, styrophome ceiling and gate "No Girls Allowed" fort! That's what my fort was. And I have pictures to prove it. I thank my co-workers, not only for their encouragement and support of this very personal project, but for their participation in it as well. Thanks. I only wish the Videoland crew could've been there to participate as well.

Here's to co-workers!

Ft. Lance...SWEET!!

Yeahhh boyeeeee!!!

Hey, can't you read?
No girls allowed!!!

That's it, we're outta' here!

Sneaky Little Snacks!

Really I'm just writing this blog to satisfy my insistent fellow scriber J.M.P.--which is basically Jump without the "u" because "u" all want to Jump on Jean...Booya! Now that that pesky intro is out of the way we can finally get down to business.

So, I was at work today (of course) and I didn't get a single break in my 10 hour shift to eat (of course). However, knowing what a busy day Tuesdays can be I decided to bring along my very own ginormous box of Gold Fish baked snack crackers. Mmmmm, that was the best tasting idea I've ever had. As I was chomping away at these, not so much gold but orangish fish, I truly noticed the ever present smile that's always advertised in their commercials. They all had smiles. Even the ones that were fused together like Siamese fish, or the ones that had a hole in them and looked like the hook caught 'em right in the eye and just popped it right out. Eye gone, smile still there.

With the option of helping a customer with a stupid question or pondering to myself, of course I pondered and started questioning why something that's only purpose is to be eaten would be smiling at me until I wiped it off it's face with my mastication. And then I saw it. There in the box was a broken gold fish--split right down the middle into a right and left side...both with smiles. What shocked me was what was in between these two sides: NOTHING! It was hollow! Those dirty little snacks with their round bellies inferring substantial filling were full of nothing! I couldn't believe it! I was outraged! I felt violated...in a bad way. And then, I saw that cute little smile and realized something. They got me. Those sneaky little fish pulled a fast one on me...and they knew it. That's why Gold Fish are in a league all their own and Cheezits and Cheese Nips will always have to compete for the number two spot. And we all know that number two is shit! And that's exactly what I did right after I finished the entire box.

Peace out,
L-Kapitan

P.S. Gold Fish are so cool they even have their own website! Check it out: www.pfgoldfish.com
Later.