I'm Golden

Holy shit! Two blogs in a row! What the hell is going on? I don't know, but after the extremely generous and flattering comments left on my last blog I felt I should write again. I did mention in my last blog that I WASN'T being negative and that AT FIRST I was flipping out. When I wrote that I was already feeling much better. It's just so many of you knew I was trying to get into film school and I keep getting asked by everyone up here what I'm doing and it just got to be too much at times. So, I blogged it out and just said "here it is." Here's what I'm doing and here's why I'm doing it. Here's how I'm looking at my situation and here's how I felt about it, and feel about it now.

I just got my third and final letter of recomendation I needed for San Diego. Thanks to Jean, I had finished my essay by the deadline I had given myself and now I can just sit back and not give a shit about it anymore. I don't even care if I don't get accepted because I'm doing ok here. I finally got my raise at the bank this paycheck and it was 7x bigger than I thought it would be. It was over a 15% pay increase and my expenses are still quite minimal. Money's good, my new car is great, and now that I'm officially moved in my efficiancy actually isn't too bad. Best of all I finally got to really talk to the one person I needed to talk to last night and it was the most theraputic thing I was able to do for myself. She alleviated all of my worries about our current relationship as well as our past. We talked for an hour and a half. It was real, it was honest, and it was just like before. It was exactly what I needed to hear (which I've been hearing from all of you which was also extremely helpful). I just needed to hear it from her for that officialness you know?

I also want to take this time to thank all of you for those above mentioned comments. Comments on my blogs, things mentioned in your blogs, and various e-mails and phone calls I've received have been some of the nicest things I've ever been told in my entire life. Some made me cry...but in a good way. I really appreciate all of you and your words really meant a lot to me in a time I really needed to hear them. Thank you.

Anyway, I wasn't trying to write another downer blog the other day because I really am doing a lot better. Now all I need is some cute girl to give me a great big kiss, slap my ass, and tell me I'm sexy. Other than that, I'm golden.

"Yeah, well, Spielberg never went to film school!"

Yeah, I had no idea either. I always thought Spielberg was one of those famous NYU graduates. Nope, turns out that was Martin Scorsese. Spielberg just came into filmmaking around the same time as these other famous directors out of film school. You may have heard of them: George Lucas, Francis Ford Coppola, and Marty of course. Steven never did though. He did, however, probably have some connections to get his foot in the door. Oh yeah, and he's a freakin' genious!

Anyway, my point is after finally finishing my pathetic attempt at grad school applications begging to get into film school I've come to the realistic (not negative, being down on myself way) conclusion that I'm not going to be accepted to film school. I have no portfolio because even a portfolio costs too much money. I have a 3.00 GPA at a decent University and I currently reside in Fargo North Dakota. Sure they have a pretty good film festival once a year, but I haven't even submitted anything into that.

When I first came to this realization I was flipping out. I was feeling worthless, like my life was never going to amount to anything because I'm too Goddamn lazy to do something about it. I'm already 25 years old and have nothing to show for it. Even my college education is meaningless because both my jobs I currently hold have no need for one. Have no girlfriend because I have no self esteem and feel like I have no idea what I could possibly offer the opposite sex (except maybe a nice ass, but that will one day get fat I promise you that).

Now that I've applied, but am still looking at other possible schools I've been trying to figure out if that's really where I want to go. Yeah, I'd love to learn all I can about film making, but I didn't even apply to UCLA or NYU because they're way out of my league. Even graduates from there aren't guaranteed shit. It's such a competitive business only the best of the best go anywhere (and even they need some kind of connection to get started).

Basically it's come down to this: If by some miracle I even get accepted anywhere, is it going to be worth the 10's of 1,000's of dollars and three more years of my rapidly fading life to pursue or should I just save up that money myself find one of my many ideas I feel most passionate about and go Kevin Smith on everyone's ass by doing it myself? I'm kind of leaning toward the latter, but we'll see what happens. Until then, here's to alternative options.