The Benefits of Being Bald (other than great alliteration for a blog title)

"Benefits of being bald!? I had no idea there were any!" Well, there aren't. Unless, of course you can make fun of it and get great deals on a hair cut. Booya! So yeah, I went to Great Clips to get a great clip today. Mostly because I didn't know what the hell I alone could do with the little hair I have left on my rapidly receding hairline. And because I's gots to look good for AFA! Can I get a whoop whoop?! No? Fine, here's the rest of my story:

As I sit down in the cozy little chair and get draped by an oversized, nylon bib I truthfully tell the stylist why I am there.

Me: "I don't know what you can really do with what you have to work with here, but I just need something done for this weekend. Usually, I go with the number 2 clippers on the back and sides and finger length on top. But let's face it, there's barely finger-length hair anywhere on top."

Stylist: "Yeah, there's not a lot to cut up here, but I'll see what I can do."

Me: "Thanks."

I must say, for a stylist at Great Clips she was pretty quiet. Which is fine by me because hair cuts feel like head messages and I just like to close my eyes and enjoy it. However, as she was cutting my hair (literally one hair) I jokingly asked her if they give discounts to bald guys since they don't have to cut as much. She giggled a little bit (probably because she wanted me) and said no, but they should. Then I said it would probably be hard for them to ask some men if they would like the "Bald Man's Discount." She giggled again and touched my shoulder. I can't really say if she was flirting with me because A) Just because someone's being nice to me and/or thinks I'm funny, doesn't mean they want to do me, B) I'm not exactly a flirt myself because I think it's quite obvious I would have no idea what I was doing, and C) They kind of work for tips. Besides, I had no interest in this woman because she was like 40. And everyone knows if I'm going to date a 40 year old it's gonna be Donna O'Brien! Double booya!!

After my hair cut was done (30 seconds later) she mentioned my bald man discount joke and giggled again. Then she told me that everyone else has come in with a coupon tonight so she'd give me the same discount even though I didn't have the coupon. I said thanks, tipped her the usual $2 tip and went out into the pouring rain so the gel she put in my hair to make me appear less bald simply washed away. That's the first (and most likely last) benefit I can find to being bald...and having a sense of humor about it.

P.S. I weighed myself at the gym today and discovered 3 new pounds. I know. I'm huge.

Love Handles

Yes, I have them. No, they are not prominent, they are just there. Not only are they the title of my long overdue new blog, but also the title of my latest movie idea. I started writing it early this morning so I would not forget its brilliance and I thought I should also write in my heavily neglected blog. The movie is a romantic comedy that takes place in a gym. So yes, it really is a very cool title thank you very much. I don't want to give too much away because it is sooooo good. I don't want someone to steal my idea and make millions of dollars while I sit back and see it on Life Time 2 years later and start crying into my pint of Chunky Monkey alone with my own love handles which would've undoubtly gotten bigger by then.

Basically, it will star me because I'm a skinny little bitch who has trouble talking to girls a.k.a Robert--the main character of the movie. Robert will be pursuing Beautiful Bridget a very lovely girl who happens to be employed at the gym Robert works out at. It will follow Robert through his weekly routine and whatever work out he his doing each day will relate somehow to what happens to him at the gym. There will be slapstick comedy. There will be lots of inner monologues by Robert because people always talk to themselves when they are working out alone. There will be discussions of different reasons people work out. And if you're lucky there will be partial nudity a.k.a. my skinny white ass! It will be fantastic, but until I get actors and a gym to film it at, unfortunately, it will not be made.