"I got kicked out?!"
Yes, yes I did. I'm gonna Tarantino it up here and start at the end, then we'll work our way back. I remember standing drunkenly OUTSIDE the bar saying, "I got kicked out!?" Genuinely curious because I was too drunk to know why this travesty had occurred to such a responsible drinker as myself. "I got kicked out!?" Now let's go back. Let's take it back to the beginning.
I recently moved to the grand old city of Minneapolis and before I left my co-workers/friends from Best Buy thought it would be really smart to get me so drunk many feared for my life. I probably would've been scared too had I not been too drunk to give a shit. The gist, my good sirs and madams, is thus:
I went to a magical place called Big Daddy's where there are not only 2 for 1 drinks every night after 9pm, but also 2 for 1 burgers on Tuesdays, the day of the week I so happened to choose for my bidding adu party. I started off the night with the usual 2 Bud Lights before I realized Captain and Coke was 2 for 1 as well. About 8 of those later, my Senior at Best Buy finally joined the party after taking care of his son who was apparently vomiting earlier that evening. (He apparently had a theme going on this night). My Senior, Mr. Christopherson, decided he should "start me off," with a Prairie Fire shot AND a shot of Tequila. Ummm...gross. Before these shots, I was golden. I was Lance drunk. Lance drunk is a beautiful place where I become even more laid back, slightly louder, and generally a very good time. Christopherson decided to destroy Lance drunk by getting me obnoxiously, vomiting profusely drunk.
After the first 2 shots, yes FIRST 2, I decided one more captain was enough-as a chaser to get rid of the burning in my mouth and belly-and decided to not so smoothly hand my 10th Captain & coke to Cliff who was apparently not there to help me out, as he stated rather loudly he was not interested in taking my booze. Christopherson, seeing this, says, "Oh no you don't!" Where he then jumps out of his chair to get what I presume to be more horrible, horrible shots. And I was right. He comes back with 2 double shots of 151. Luckily one of those was for Cliff for "accepting" my drink, but a double of 151 was not want drunk Lance needed...but took anyway. Jarod got me a shot that actually tasted good, I believe I had also switched to water at this point. It all kind of starts becoming a blur now. A big drunken blur of nonsense and silliness. Christopherson got me a double of something else that tasted just as bad as his other shots and that's the last thing I remember drinking. And now the story becomes interesting...for us all.
I remember seeing my good friend Kevin Lee finally out to bid me adu, then the next thing I remember is being outside the bar hearing Kevin say I got kicked out, then me walking up to Jared saying, "I got kicked out?!"
"Yes," Kevin says, but does not explain why...because I was too drunk to comprehend at that time. Then, I remember a dreamlike stage of vomiting on concrete. I don't know where I am, how long I've been here and if anyone is with me. I just remember seeing vomit on concrete that quite obviously came from my stomach. Then I remember being in Kevin's apartment where I thought I was vomiting again, hearing Kevin apologize profusely to his girlfriend who I assume gave us a ride home, and something about cleaning the vomit from his car. Then I passed out.
Not only did I feel like shit all fucking day Wednesday, my mom calls me at 9am to pick me up wherever I am to start packing my apartment for my move this coming weekend. She was kind enough to take me to her house and let me sleep until noon while she started packing shit without me. My mom rocks.
Four days later, as I'm driving in the Cities, I get a call from Kevin Lee and ask him what the fuck happened to me because I had no idea. Apparently, by the time Kevin got there I was pretty gone, which I knew. However, he said he went in the bathroom and there was some douche puking in the urinal, not the stall, the urinal. Not wanting to piss next to some drunk douche vomiting he decided to look for an open urinal outside the vomiting perimeter. In his search he noticed the guys around the drunken douche were from computers at Best Buy and that this drunken douche was ME! That's how I got kicked out of a bar in Fargo, ND. By vomiting in a URINAL! That...fucking...rocks! Apparently that wasn't the only info I was forgetting.
Kevin also informed me that after getting kicked out, they had called a cab, but didn't think I would make it without vomiting so he called his girlfriend to give me a ride to MY girlfriend's apartment. Unfortunately, I was too drunk to give an address and could only tell Chelsea, "32nd Ave," which is pretty vague, to say the least. But she drove me anyway until I apparently said something, or just began to vomit again. So, she pulled over at a Stamart gas station where I apparently continued to vomit for AN HOUR AND A HALF. Chelsea calls Kevin, who is now also intoxicated, because she doesn't know where to take me or what to do with me. Kevin finds a ride to the Stamart, buys some 409 and paper towels to clean out his car and wipe my fucking face. They take me back to his apartment, he CARRIES me inside and onto his futon, grabs a little garbage for me to spit in as I'm dry heaving because there's just nothing left anymore. And THEN I pass out.
That was Best Buy's going away present. Kevin's was taking care of me, which I appreciate. I didn't even leave him a thank you note before I left that next morning because I couldn't find a paper and pen, so I did the next best thing, and just took out his garbage in case there was vomit in it. Even later that evening when I went to Best Buy to try and find out what happened, my manager told me I still looked like shit, which I believe since I still felt like shit. Never have I drank that much in my entire life, and never would I intend to drink like that again. I really am a very responsible drinker and am very lucky I had friends taking care of me and that nothing more serious happened. Carrie later informed she was pretty worried about me, especially since I never made it back to her place for some drunk lovin', but also grateful she didn't have to witness that spectacle. I'm glad I didn't have to witness that either. Yikes!
I recently moved to the grand old city of Minneapolis and before I left my co-workers/friends from Best Buy thought it would be really smart to get me so drunk many feared for my life. I probably would've been scared too had I not been too drunk to give a shit. The gist, my good sirs and madams, is thus:
I went to a magical place called Big Daddy's where there are not only 2 for 1 drinks every night after 9pm, but also 2 for 1 burgers on Tuesdays, the day of the week I so happened to choose for my bidding adu party. I started off the night with the usual 2 Bud Lights before I realized Captain and Coke was 2 for 1 as well. About 8 of those later, my Senior at Best Buy finally joined the party after taking care of his son who was apparently vomiting earlier that evening. (He apparently had a theme going on this night). My Senior, Mr. Christopherson, decided he should "start me off," with a Prairie Fire shot AND a shot of Tequila. Ummm...gross. Before these shots, I was golden. I was Lance drunk. Lance drunk is a beautiful place where I become even more laid back, slightly louder, and generally a very good time. Christopherson decided to destroy Lance drunk by getting me obnoxiously, vomiting profusely drunk.
After the first 2 shots, yes FIRST 2, I decided one more captain was enough-as a chaser to get rid of the burning in my mouth and belly-and decided to not so smoothly hand my 10th Captain & coke to Cliff who was apparently not there to help me out, as he stated rather loudly he was not interested in taking my booze. Christopherson, seeing this, says, "Oh no you don't!" Where he then jumps out of his chair to get what I presume to be more horrible, horrible shots. And I was right. He comes back with 2 double shots of 151. Luckily one of those was for Cliff for "accepting" my drink, but a double of 151 was not want drunk Lance needed...but took anyway. Jarod got me a shot that actually tasted good, I believe I had also switched to water at this point. It all kind of starts becoming a blur now. A big drunken blur of nonsense and silliness. Christopherson got me a double of something else that tasted just as bad as his other shots and that's the last thing I remember drinking. And now the story becomes interesting...for us all.
I remember seeing my good friend Kevin Lee finally out to bid me adu, then the next thing I remember is being outside the bar hearing Kevin say I got kicked out, then me walking up to Jared saying, "I got kicked out?!"
"Yes," Kevin says, but does not explain why...because I was too drunk to comprehend at that time. Then, I remember a dreamlike stage of vomiting on concrete. I don't know where I am, how long I've been here and if anyone is with me. I just remember seeing vomit on concrete that quite obviously came from my stomach. Then I remember being in Kevin's apartment where I thought I was vomiting again, hearing Kevin apologize profusely to his girlfriend who I assume gave us a ride home, and something about cleaning the vomit from his car. Then I passed out.
Not only did I feel like shit all fucking day Wednesday, my mom calls me at 9am to pick me up wherever I am to start packing my apartment for my move this coming weekend. She was kind enough to take me to her house and let me sleep until noon while she started packing shit without me. My mom rocks.
Four days later, as I'm driving in the Cities, I get a call from Kevin Lee and ask him what the fuck happened to me because I had no idea. Apparently, by the time Kevin got there I was pretty gone, which I knew. However, he said he went in the bathroom and there was some douche puking in the urinal, not the stall, the urinal. Not wanting to piss next to some drunk douche vomiting he decided to look for an open urinal outside the vomiting perimeter. In his search he noticed the guys around the drunken douche were from computers at Best Buy and that this drunken douche was ME! That's how I got kicked out of a bar in Fargo, ND. By vomiting in a URINAL! That...fucking...rocks! Apparently that wasn't the only info I was forgetting.
Kevin also informed me that after getting kicked out, they had called a cab, but didn't think I would make it without vomiting so he called his girlfriend to give me a ride to MY girlfriend's apartment. Unfortunately, I was too drunk to give an address and could only tell Chelsea, "32nd Ave," which is pretty vague, to say the least. But she drove me anyway until I apparently said something, or just began to vomit again. So, she pulled over at a Stamart gas station where I apparently continued to vomit for AN HOUR AND A HALF. Chelsea calls Kevin, who is now also intoxicated, because she doesn't know where to take me or what to do with me. Kevin finds a ride to the Stamart, buys some 409 and paper towels to clean out his car and wipe my fucking face. They take me back to his apartment, he CARRIES me inside and onto his futon, grabs a little garbage for me to spit in as I'm dry heaving because there's just nothing left anymore. And THEN I pass out.
That was Best Buy's going away present. Kevin's was taking care of me, which I appreciate. I didn't even leave him a thank you note before I left that next morning because I couldn't find a paper and pen, so I did the next best thing, and just took out his garbage in case there was vomit in it. Even later that evening when I went to Best Buy to try and find out what happened, my manager told me I still looked like shit, which I believe since I still felt like shit. Never have I drank that much in my entire life, and never would I intend to drink like that again. I really am a very responsible drinker and am very lucky I had friends taking care of me and that nothing more serious happened. Carrie later informed she was pretty worried about me, especially since I never made it back to her place for some drunk lovin', but also grateful she didn't have to witness that spectacle. I'm glad I didn't have to witness that either. Yikes!
posted by L-Kapitan | 2:33 PM
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