AFA, A-Okay!

Finally, I have sat down to post the long awaited AFA blog. I know I am the last of us three to post, but in my defense I have written for a total of three hours, lost two postings, and am now trying for the third time to get this freakin' blog on the God damn internet! So, without further ado, here is our story:

Bright and early (10am) Friday morning after a
good night with the Tony Sims band we head out
to KansAss for AFA 2005! Jean likes to get real
comfortable while she's driving. That's Shannon's
hand at the wheel and she doesn't even have her
"License to Drive" but neither did Corey Haim and
he still got to make out with Heather Graham!
That's hot.

Speaking of hot, I hear California is nice this time
of year. Actually, I know it is because that's where
we got to go last year for AFA. Don't worry Shannon
I'm sure KansAss is nice too.

We had several tunes to listen to with our plethra of cds and radio stations.
Here's me Walkin' On Sunshine.

"Who put that on here? Gay!"

When we got tired of our cds and radio stations we held our own jam
session. The ladies were on lead vocals while I strummed away on my
acoustic Fender. Here's a lyrical summary:

"KansAss! Almost as gay as Lance is! That's it.
If I had $1,000,000 I'd break into our Old Apartment using the Heart of
the Matter to beg for forgiveness because even when there's No Rain,
We Can Work it Out!"

Thank you.

Shannon also invented a game...after we ate all of
the chips. We're creative, not stupid!

Sitting in a car driving through the middle our great nation can seem pretty
long. Especially when it lasts 8 hours. So, we decided to stop at a rest stop
and...um...become statues.

"Look what I can do!"

I also got married...twice! It's okay, though. It's a
Mormon trail. One of them even plays basketball.

I attempted to play basketball even though there was
no hoop. I'm so unathletic that when I went up for a
fake jump shot, I came down on the lip of the sidewalk
and kind of twisted my ankle a little bit. I know, lame!

Then I decided to walk it off, or run a race perhaps. But my foot got stuck
in a hole...again.

"This always happens to me!"

The rest stop was nice, but you know
what I thought it needed? An oversized
map of Iowa. Oh, hey! Good job, girls.

Finally, we arrived in crappy old KansAss and met up
with our good friend Ryan from Missouri. This is Ryan
taking a picture of me taking a picture of him. It's funny
because it's stupid.

Mankato's very own Jessica Samens was also
there to hang out with the Winona State Alumn.
If those were my hands in this picture I'd say they
were begging for food.

"I gained 4 pounds in KansAss!"

Well, time to check into our lovely hotel, the Not-so-Great Western Inn.

"Yes, we have a pool."

Stupid us. I guess we should've asked if there was actually any water in it.
What a fucking idiot. At least Jean didn't seem to mind much.

And we can always find something cool to do. Especially when we find a
pink Barbie car, a lip at the edge of the pool and a puddle of dirty, dirty
water to shoot for in the deep end.

Not trusting anything clean or sanitary to take place at our hotel we decided
to visit the local Walmart and purchase some necessities like towels, toilet
paper...

...and beer. Beer always helps. And it really doesn't take much to get me
stuck in a crack somewhere again.

"Seriously. This always happens to me!"

At least there were no bugs in our room...

...except for a ginormous Horse Fly. The bathroom
door and I took care of it, though. I kind of felt like MacGyver:

"Okay. I got a plastic cup, a tissue, some light, and
a door. Let's make a Venus Fly trap and take this
mother out!"

Shannon and Jean went exploring...really, really
exploring. Exploring dirty, dirty cowboys that is.

Speaking of dirty. It didn't take too long for the
KansAss trashiness to rub off on us. A wife beater,
a stoagie, a beer, and some chick's jacket. It doesn't
get much trashier than this.

Or does it?

Yes. Yes, it does.

"Close up shop. Close up shop!"

P.S. Our Not-so-Great Western Inn was right behind a trailer park. Nice!

But boy do we clean up nicely!

Even when we're exhausted because our neighbors at the hotel didn't go to
sleep until we woke up at six in the morning. Thanks for that!

Lance: "Lancey need sleepy."

Jean: "Um, gross. Get off me. I'm trying to read my Cosmo!"

Us and this sunset were the only beautiful things in KansAss that weekend,
or any other weekend for that matter.

Yeay, it's our last day in KansAss...and Usher's on! Break it down.

We couldn't leave without making
some kind of political stand, though.
Especially when KansAss was voting
on gay marriage the very next day.
Here's Shannon stating how she's
"Straight, not Narrow"

While Jean gave "Gay Marriage
a 1-25. A+" I told her she
couldn't grade her own
political statement, but I guess
since she's a TA she thinks
she can grade whatever the
hell she wants. Even our
friendship: "F+. Click!"

Since I was unable to come up with
something more clever than Shannon
and Jean to support gay marriage, I
decided to find my own cause to stand for.

"Save the Soda!"

Shannon's pretty upset about
this great injustice toward
America's thirst quenching
refreshment providers, as well. Silly
Coke junkie!

On the road again, back to good old Minnesota.

"No! That's our last Lay's lid!"

And the game was done, but not without a great shot of
the lid flying out the window. You can actually see it in
the side mirror. Nice shot!

Time for some more jam sessions...

...and Elvis impressions. Bad Elvis impressions.

Let's keep the rocking out to the professionals,
shall we.

Of course we had to take a break and stop at
some random location. This time we didn't
even get out of the state before we had to stop.
But honestly, how could we pass up the opportunity
to visit KansAss' very own Agriculture Hall
of Fame. I know. KansAss is so lame they
give Agriculture it's very own hall of fame.
I know Iowa stands for I Owe the World an Apology,
but I'm pretty sure KansAss owes an even bigger one.


I don't know exactly what I'm doing in these two pictures, but
I am certain that I look pretty damn sexy in them. Maybe being
from North Dakota has caused me to get turned on by agriculture.
Who knows?

I don't know why they don't let me drive that much anymore. People can
still get by on the other side. Besides, it's not like we're in Iowa
where they would chuck corn at me? Ha. Get it? Chuck corn. That's
awesome. But not as awesome as parallel parking.

You can't criticize me anyway. I am the Master Gardner after all!

Now it's time for some scenic pictures.

"We said, scenic pictures, Lance. Not senior
pictures!" My bad.




I think Shannon and Jean liked this
guy because he kept telling them how
he's always hard. Hi-yo!

Whoa, Jean. Three guys at once. Don't bite off
more than you can chew.

Or maybe don't bite anything at all.

"Lance, NO!"

To sum up:
It doesn't matter what state you visit, how crappy your hotel is, or how long
your drive can be. As long as you've got a good group of friends just as
crazy as you are along for the ride, it's gonna be a great trip. Here's to
road trippin' with your friends! See you in Florida in 2006.

Shannon and Jean also have great pictures and stories to tell from our great trip to KansAss. Just click on their names to check out their AFA 2005 blogs.